


Think about it.

by a_fuck_it_kind_of_lifestyle



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x20 does not exist, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Coming Out, Dean Winchester Has a Sexuality Crisis, Fix-It, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Gay Pride, M/M, Self-Acceptance, it is fluffy, no bad things here, there is knitting for no other reason than i knit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:20:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27939585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_fuck_it_kind_of_lifestyle/pseuds/a_fuck_it_kind_of_lifestyle
Summary: So I set it up as 15x19 did happen, but 15x20 did not. After they defeated Chuck, Jack opened a portal and Sam and Dean stole Cas out of the Empty (the Empty thanked them for it and promised to separate them on a quantum level if they ever returned) by taking his grace, and they settled back down in the bunker.So see, everything was perfect and nothing was awkward! Because, see, one thing Dean and Cas are absolutely fucking GREAT at is not talking. So that, jack save their immortal souls, is what they did.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 16
Kudos: 101





	Think about it.

And, Dean had other things to think about.

Like the fact that he was having an identity crisis at 41 fucking years old. 

Because his best friend had told him he loved him. And he had to  _ think  _ about that. Because it terrified him. Not in an “oh fuck is he gonna try and kiss me” or “is this gonna fuck up our friendship” kinda way, in a… oh fuck oh fuck run away shut down your brain kinda way. Which (Dean knew his brain pretty well by now, and he knew when he was hiding something from himself) meant…

It scared him. 

So Dean thought about it.

“I don’t like guys like that. And Cas is a guy! Or at least he’s in a guy’s body…” Dean drummed his fingers against the steering wheel agitatedly, his mind racing. His trip to the gas station was overtaken by overthinking and he’d been driving around aimlessly for a half hour now. He forced himself to do what Sam was always going on about, deep breath in, deep breath out. “Okay, Dean. Stop being a bitch. Think.” Think. 

Think about Cas sitting in the passenger seat next to him, a couple layers shed and hair blowing in the breeze coming through the open window. Think about him reaching over and taking Dean’s hand off the steering wheel and intertwining their fingers. Think about the softness of his smile as Dean leaned over and kiss him, sweet and slow and happy.

Breathe. In for four, out for four. Think.

Think about Lee’s skinny body laying next to his, his rough fingers running through Dean’s hair. Think about the alcohol quieting his thoughts, letting him have this, letting him have Lee, for just tonight.

Think about that guy in the bar, Adam. Think about the way his attention made heat creep up his neck, made something inside him leap out, terrified and excited, at the thought of being seen. Think of the soft, confusing disappointment when he realized Adam hadn’t actually been into him. The brief flair back into excitement as he questioned why he’d thought that would be a good way to distract Dean in the first place.

Think about it.

Think about the times he didn’t want to stop touching Cas, his brain repeating that he just needed to know he was okay, that he needed to hold onto him. Think about the way he looks at Cas and just wants to do something, anything, anything in the world to give him the happiness and peace that he deserves.

Think about it.

Think about those lonely nights after Sam left, hanging out in a bar nursing a beer because he couldn’t afford to buy anything else. Think about the sideways looks those men had given him, the ones that had made a little shiver run down his spine and made him look away. Think about throwing himself at the bartender instead, feeling those eyes on him as he took her number on a cocktail napkin and promised to call.

Think about the fear and the excitement and the repression and the longing and the signs. All set in front of him. 

He pulled the Impala to a stop in the middle of a dusty country road and looked out across the dead fields, breathing gone ragged. 

So that was a thought.

“I’m… bi.” Bisexual. Bi. “Bi. I’m bi.”

He repeated it over and over, whispering it into Baby’s leather until it felt like his word. Until it felt right. 

\-------

He knocked on Cas’s door, trying to ignore the shakiness in his hands and the cotton in his mouth. A soft “Come in.” 

Dean balled up his fists then rubbed them against his jeans, trying to force them back into normalcy. He was okay. This was okay. He could do this. “Heya- hey, Cas,” He was pretty sure that sounded normal. He forced a casual smile onto his face. “Whatcha doing?”

Cas looked up from his criss-cross position on the bed with a small smile. “Oh, I thought I would learn how to knit.” He gestured to his lap where, sure enough, yarn and needles were laid out, a brown-red rectangle beginning to form. “You’re always complaining about how cold the bunker is, but also complaining about how over-priced and ‘evil’ corporations are, so… I figured this would be a nice Christmas present.”

Dean blanked. It actually almost made him forget about what he came here to do; he was not expecting Cas to be  _ knitting  _ in here so much. It also made a well of newly-allowed emotion rise up in him, at the fact that knitting was so incredibly dorky and old-lady-like and at the fact that Cas was knitting something  _ for him.  _ He pushed it all into a laugh that sounded more like a giggle and sat down on the corner of the bed. “Y’know you’re not really supposed to tell people what you’re getting them for Christmas. It’s supposed to be a surprise.”

Cas shrugged, looking resolutely unbothered by it. God, Dean would kill to be half as unbothered as Cas about anything. “Well, it’s not like you can have it early, anyway. It’s not finished.” 

Dean eyed the few inches of strung together yarn. “Maybe if I scrunch up really small…” he joked. It earned a good-natured eye roll from Cas, which made another surge of affection well up in him.

“Did you want to talk about something?” Cas asked perceptively, considering the fact that Dean had entered his room and immediately sat down on his bed like a middle-aged father about to tell his son that he and mommy were getting a divorce.

Okay, think. Breathe. 

“Oh, I- uh,” Dean didn’t want to do this. Maybe it was a bad idea. He didn’t even  _ need  _ to do this. Nope, he couldn’t do this. “Nah, tell me more about your-” he gestured desperately to Cas’s lap. “Yarn thing.” 

Cas looked like he didn’t buy it, but started to lift the piece to show Dean anyway. “So-”

“OkayYeahINeedToTellYouSomething.” Dean forced it out as fast as he could, taking a deep breath after because his lungs felt like they were the size of walnuts right now. Cas just looked at him and waited, hands settled back into his lap. Dean nodded and looked at his own hands, unable to look Cas in the eyes for this part. 

It was gonna be okay. Breathe. Come on motherfucker, breathe. “So, uh, I know this isn’t really a big deal to you or anything ‘cuz you’re-” a wave of the hand that meant vaguely ‘a former ethereal being without any preconceived notions of stupid human social constructs who also happens to be gay in the human sense’ “but um… so, what you said, it made me…” okay no that was way too scary to get into right now, bringing up the  _ I love you?  _ Dean might be insane, but he was not  _ that  _ insane. He tried to start over. “So, listen, I’ve been doing some thinking and I’m… um.” Okay, these were the words you practiced. Just get them out and you’ll have done it. The other parts don’t’ matter. “I think I’m bi?” No, asshole, you don’t think, you  _ know.  _ “I’m bi. Cas. I like… guys. And girls. And… yeah.”

There was silence for way too long a moment. Eventually, Dean had to look up, he had to, and Cas was just staring at him with the softest expression in the world. It took everything Dean had to not start fucking crying right there, because  _ it was okay.  _

“This is kinda where you say something, dude,” Because of course, he had to gripe at him, yeah. 

Cas started moving immediately, surging over the yarn in his lap to pull Dean into a hug. It took Dean a second to hug back, but when he did he hugged him tighter than he thinks he’s ever hugged anyone. And that’s counting all the ‘I’m probably never gonna see you again’ hugs he’s given, because those… those were about dying. But this hug was finally about living. “Dean.” Cas breathed, air obviously not getting to his lungs under the force of Dean’s arms. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Dean refused to acknowledge the tears running down his cheeks.

“Thank you for telling me.” he finally pulled back so he could look Dean in the eyes, pride etched into every stupid smile line. “I’m so glad you… I’m happy for you.” 

Dean blushed. He couldn’t help it. But he also couldn’t help a matching stupid grin light up his face. “Shit, man, I kinda am too.” He laughed. He had more to say, a whole lot more to say to Cas, but he could be happy for this moment too. He could be proud of himself. “Could I maybe… hang around a bit? Watch you knit?”

Cas’s eyes narrowed. “Are you going to make fun of me.” It had no inflection at the end. Probably because he knew it wasn’t a question.

“Fuck yeah, I am. Come on, grandma, show me what you got.” Dean flopped down on the bed and beamed up at Cas, admiring the way the corners of his lips turned up at Dean’s taunts. They sat like that for a long time, Dean making little jokes to try and make Cas smile, and Cas returning in devastating burns that made Dean throw back his head and laugh. And they were good. And they were free.

**Author's Note:**

> per a request on tumblr because I've received too much homophobia recently and so I'm responding by making the world a gayer place, one fic at a time. my fellow bis and queers of all persuasions, I love you. you are enough. do what makes you happy and don't let anyone tell you any different. come out in your own time and know that no matter what happens, I am proud of you.


End file.
